ONE YEAR LATER

I can’t believe it’s been a year. And what a year it’s been! One year ago this week I wrapped up the last of the messy details of my divorce, and saw my ex for the last time. After 17 years together, I never thought it would end, let alone that it would end like that. I used to wonder how people that had been so in love could have such a horrible relationship after a divorce – I don’t wonder anymore. I understand. Sadly, I understand.

And a year ago I was incredibly sad and hurt, as anyone would be. I didn’t understand it then, but there is a grieving process. Not just for the loss of the relationship, but for the loss of Hope – the hope that things would get better, that it would all be worth it, that we could get through anything. But sometimes saying goodbye is the right answer; and for me it was the only answer.

I was sad. And I let myself be sad (although I tried to not show it much). But I also faced the realization that my whole future had just changed – and I had no idea in which direction to head. So I thought about it, prayed about it, wrote in my journal constantly – and came up with at least the first steps of a plan for my new life. And then I let go of the sad.

Some people think I was just faking “Being All Better” – well, of course I was! But I also came to the conclusion that if I had felt any doubt about the divorce I wouldn’t have gone through with it. But I knew it was the right answer, the only answer – and I trusted that, so “Being All Better” was really the only choice.

Not that it’s been easy! Living alone after nearly constant companionship for 17 years is a HUGE adjustment. (And getting another dog did NOT fill the void.) Having to take care of the whole (way too big) house has been daunting. There are a million little details I never had to deal with that are now on my plate. And ending up with all of the bills and financial responsibility (although TOTALLY worth it for the divorce to get finalized) has required excruciating belt-tightening.

Yes, I’m a year older – but certainly a year wiser too. Or maybe a lifetime wiser. It’s weird to think it’s been a year. In some ways it seems like just moments ago. Yet in some ways – especially as I see all the ways I’ve grown and learned – it seems like a lifetime ago. And maybe it is. This past year has been a journey into my new life, and I’m happy with who I am now and where I’m going.

This is MY life! Yes, I make mistakes – but they're all mine to make. Not that my marriage was all bad, but there are certainly things I blamed him for. And I can't blame him anymore. I have this quote on my wall, and I'm working on having this new phase of my life be everything I want to be.