ONE YEAR LATER

I can’t believe it’s been a year. And what a year it’s been! One year ago this week I wrapped up the last of the messy details of my divorce, and saw my ex for the last time. After 17 years together, I never thought it would end, let alone that it would end like that. I used to wonder how people that had been so in love could have such a horrible relationship after a divorce – I don’t wonder anymore. I understand. Sadly, I understand.

And a year ago I was incredibly sad and hurt, as anyone would be. I didn’t understand it then, but there is a grieving process. Not just for the loss of the relationship, but for the loss of Hope – the hope that things would get better, that it would all be worth it, that we could get through anything. But sometimes saying goodbye is the right answer; and for me it was the only answer.

I was sad. And I let myself be sad (although I tried to not show it much). But I also faced the realization that my whole future had just changed – and I had no idea in which direction to head. So I thought about it, prayed about it, wrote in my journal constantly – and came up with at least the first steps of a plan for my new life. And then I let go of the sad.

Some people think I was just faking “Being All Better” – well, of course I was! But I also came to the conclusion that if I had felt any doubt about the divorce I wouldn’t have gone through with it. But I knew it was the right answer, the only answer – and I trusted that, so “Being All Better” was really the only choice.

Not that it’s been easy! Living alone after nearly constant companionship for 17 years is a HUGE adjustment. (And getting another dog did NOT fill the void.) Having to take care of the whole (way too big) house has been daunting. There are a million little details I never had to deal with that are now on my plate. And ending up with all of the bills and financial responsibility (although TOTALLY worth it for the divorce to get finalized) has required excruciating belt-tightening.

Yes, I’m a year older – but certainly a year wiser too. Or maybe a lifetime wiser. It’s weird to think it’s been a year. In some ways it seems like just moments ago. Yet in some ways – especially as I see all the ways I’ve grown and learned – it seems like a lifetime ago. And maybe it is. This past year has been a journey into my new life, and I’m happy with who I am now and where I’m going.

This is MY life! Yes, I make mistakes – but they're all mine to make. Not that my marriage was all bad, but there are certainly things I blamed him for. And I can't blame him anymore. I have this quote on my wall, and I'm working on having this new phase of my life be everything I want to be.

Valentine's Day

When I was a kid I loved Valentine’s Day. I remember my dad always buying my mom a Valentine Card (a really nice one from Hallmark) and a big heart-shaped box of chocolates. I never doubted that my dad loved my mom whole-heartedly and completely, just as she loved him. They had been friends since they were little – going through elementary school together, skipping 7^th grade together, and getting married at only 19. They had been married 63 years when she passed away – and he missed her EVERY SINGLE DAY for the next 5 years until he joined her. They literally spent their whole lives together – and especially on Valentine’s Day, they did a great job showing their love to each other.

And it wasn’t just my mom that got special treatment on Valentine’s, because Dad always bought me a cute card and my own little heart-shaped box of chocolates too.  It was the kid-version, but since I was a kid, it was PERFECT. Not only did I know that my parents loved each other completely, but I never once doubted my father’s love for me too.

Even though I may not have a “Special Someone” in my life this year, as I see all those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate lining the store shelves – I smile. I smile because I have been blessed with great love in my life. I smile because of the great memories those boxes conjure up. I smile because I know that love is much more than just a romantic notion but something that touches and enlarges your heart. I smile because I still believe that I can have a love like that my parents shared.

Some people don’t appreciate Valentine’s Day, but even single, I still do. And one day I’m hoping that I’ll again have a wonderful, loving man in my life that will buy me my very own heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Favorite Pens

Everyone has one – one of those pens that makes your handwriting look good and just feels so natural in your hand. I love pens like that!  A number of years ago I got a beautiful Pen Box for displaying my pens.  It has a glass top so that all of my favorite pens can be seen, but not touched.  When I moved the box got put away, because my ex could never find a pen and would just grab one of my favorite pens – and then IT would disappear.  So my Pen Box has been sitting in its own box, tucked away in storage.

This weekend when I cleaning out a few boxes, I came upon this Pen Box.  It was like being reunited with an old friend!  My heart leapt a little, and I stopped everything that I was doing and carried the box to a place of honor in my Living Room.

And this Pen Box contains more than pens – it contains memories.  The pen Marg & Lee (my Mormon Godparents) gave me for High School Graduation.  The pen my boss at Franklin Covey gave me as a gift for writing a proposal that landed a $2 million contract.  A pen that belonged to my dad when he was the age I am now.  The pen I splurged on in Denver on vacation just because it felt so good in my hand.

I ran upstairs to grab some paper and sat down to write.  A few of the pens need new refills, but there is just something so grand about a GOOD pen.  I felt that with that pen in my hand I needed to write something important.  I felt like I could have written the Declaration of Independence with this accumulation of strength from these pens.

And that’s so true – there is strength in pens.  And not just in a Mont Blanc.  But the strength comes from what pens can do.  With a pen in hand: you can teach a child to write, you can witness a marriage, you can profess your love to someone, you can write a poem, you can sign a divorce decree, you can write your Last Will & Testiment.

Next time you’re out, splurge a little a buy a nice pen – and then let it do what pens should do.  Pen in hand, pen to paper – write something from your heart, and then share it with the world.

 

"The pen is mightier than the sword -- and considerably easier to write with." -- Marty Feldman