I was on
a date the other night, and the man actually pulled out a chair for me. I can't
remember the last time that happened – a chair pulled out for me. Typically
doors, yes – especially on dates, and even sometimes in regular life. But it
seems that as we “advance” and become “equals” that we've lost some of those
beautiful gentlemanly qualities – once considered commonplace. Now, even on
dates they are sometimes rarely seen.
Maybe
it’s my own fault, because I don’t expect it anymore. And I think that I don’t
expect it because I have been in the workforce for so long, predominantly with
men – and it’s so rarely seen in most everyday work environments. No one has
ever stood when I entered or left a meeting, or stepped away from a conference
table. And, admittedly, it would probably be scoffed at – even possibly
“inappropriate” based on the Sexual Harassment sensitivity that most businesses
teach anymore.
And that
is sad, and probably our own fault as women. With all of this Women's Equality,
we’ve lost some things along the way too. Oh, I believe in
equal-pay-for-equal-work, but I do not believe in “equality”. Equity, yes;
equality, no. Men and women are different, and beautifully so – and I like and
celebrate those differences. Have we, as women, put so much effort put into the
movement for Feminism that we have lost some of our femininity in the process?
And, sadly, why can't we have both?
I have a
dear friend from Europe, who is very much a Gentleman. He still opens doors,
lets women walk first – all of those little details. We’ve been friends for
years, and used to go to lunch or dinner together quite regularly – and even
though we have never dated, he still always opened doors, etc., for me. We still
get together once in a while, but he doesn’t open my car door anymore. It’s not
that he is any less gentlemanly, but because it’s so rare here in the U.S. that
he doesn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about it. It is something that he
now reserves to only do for his wife.
I get
that, I do. I understand about how we sometimes make choices because of other
people’s perceptions. And I think it’s lovely that he still opens car doors for
his wife. It just makes me sad that something that was commonplace here a
generation ago – something as simple as all men opening all doors for all women
– is now so infrequently seen today.
I’ve
talked to a few male friends about it. Most of them were raised to open doors
and such. But most guys say that they hesitate to do it anymore publicly (and
especially at work), because they have had women (typically on more than one
occasion) express that they didn’t “need” their door opened – that they could
do it themselves. Really? In all the thousands of times I’ve had a door opened
for me, I never once thought he was doing it as a demeaning gesture or one that
I couldn’t do for myself. I have always found it charming and a demonstration
of good manners, and a kind and gentle gesture – and I always will.
My dad
ALWAYS opened the car door for my mom. And since Mom never drove a car, she
rarely went anywhere without him. And now that I’m dating again, I do find that
opening car doors is still mostly commonplace. Even when I was married, my car door
was typically opened for me – oh, sometimes we’d be in a rush, and I’d just hop
in the car. But I think it’s wonderful when a man demonstrates his appreciation
for a woman by doing little things like that. And I do admit that I find it not
only flattering when it happens on a date, but it does leave me with a better
impression of the man. I mean, every woman wants to be treated like a lady.
So,
guys, still open doors for women. Pull out chairs. Let her enter or exit an
elevator first. And, girls, allow him to do those things – and appreciate it
when he does.
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